The Reconciliation – Chapter 9: Tree-dweller

It’s Close To Midnight And Something Evil’s Lurking In The Dark
Under The Moonlight You See A Sight That Almost Stops Your Heart
You Try To Scream But Terror Takes The Sound Before You Make It
You Start To Freeze As Horror Looks You Right Between The Eyes,
You’re Paralyzed

[Chorus]
‘Cause This Is Thriller, Thriller Night
And No One’s Gonna Save You From The Beast About to Strike
You Know It’s Thriller, Thriller Night
You’re Fighting For Your Life Inside A Killer, Thriller
Tonight

Michael Jackson – “Thriller”

Daniel can feel a greater surge of energy flow from the hands.  He can make out the dim lines of a person sitting cross-legged in front of him.  He can discern no details of this being other than the fullness and warmth of the hands and that they are distinctly masculine.  Daniel is reminded of his own father’s hands when they used to join in a circle for table grace.

“As you flow further up the stream, you may encounter a heavenly being.  If you do, just take its hand,” Susan’s voice continues.

Daniel continues to suspend any disbelief as he surrenders himself to this being.  Although he can’t distinctly see his face he can feel his loving gaze upon him.  After awhile (Daniel can know longer measure his experience with time), the being releases his hands and reaches out for his head.  He gently takes it and lowers it, and brings his lips to the place on his head where the Stream is flowing in.  Daniel can feel that he actually does have a hole in the top of his head, at least in his current form.  Then the being begins to blow into this hole, then suck, then blow, then suck, first gently, then rigorously.  Daniel thinks of plunging a clogged sink or toilet as his head begins to clear and fill with light. Immediately after Daniel’s head is released he rises even higher, leaving the being behind.  He feels as if he is suspended in warm fluid.  He is weightless and slowly turning.  He thinks of his own children and how they must have floated like this in Ashley’s womb.  All thoughts flow away from him.  All sense of time and space are gone.  There is only the warm feeling of resting in a state of total calm.

“Now feel yourself float upward into the Heart of the Christ, the Heart of the Buddha.  All you need to do is accept the love and peace that is offered to you here,” continues Susan.

Just as Daniel feels that he might want to stay this way forever, he feels a hand gently grasp his foot and pull him back down, and the hands take his hands again for a final embrace.  There are no words as the being fades away and becomes only an impression, a memory.

“And now, it’s time to come back.  Gently come down the Stream again to the top of your head.  Flow down into your head.  Come right back behind your own eyes.  While we still have so much light, if you would like, think of someone who you would like to hold in the light.  Someone who is sick or just in need of a loving touch.  Hold their image in front of you in the light.  Suspend your own wishes for this person.  Just imagine them being filled with the Light and ask that their highest need be met.”

Daniel immediately conjures the image of Ashley in front of him.  She is like an angel floating with a look of peace on her heart-breakingly beautiful face.  He knows that she has suffered his neglect.  He knows that she is patiently waiting for his loving touch.  He holds her in the light and she closes her eyes to rest in the light. May your highest need be met, Ashley.

“And now, if you like, hold your own image in this light.  Suspend your wishes for yourself.”  He did not expect to have to face himself like this. He is shaken a bit.  He tries to imagine his own image, but he cannot.  He can’t even see his own face, so he just places the word Daniel in the light.  He wonders if this is good enough and decides that it is.  “Imagine that you are being filled with beautiful, golden light.  And now, ask that your own highest need be met today.”  The power of this action is almost too great for Daniel to bear as he says to himself May your highest need be met today, Daniel.

“Begin to come back out into the room.  Rub your eyes.  Stretch.”

Slowly, the time begins to tick again and he can feel his body regain it’s weight and feeling.  He becomes aware of the chair and the room and the other people sitting with him as if he had left and was magically returning.

“Thanks, Susan,” says John, breaking the spell of meditation with his voice.

While Susan and John take some time for questions and answers, Daniel is silent.  He listens to the other members of the class ask about or comment on various images, sounds, experiences, and frustrations while John and Susan speak knowledgably and encouragingly in response.  Daniel is dumbfounded by his experience and is embarrassed to even mention it.  They’ll think I’m some kind of kook coming in here on my first time and having some huge mystical experience.  I’m sure people are always coming in here and talking shit about their bogus mystical experiences.

As the class begins to break up, Susan comes over to talk with Daniel. “I’m so glad you came, Daniel.  How was it?”

His first instinct is to say great, but he decides at that moment that great should be permanently removed from his vocabulary.  Instead, he raises his eyebrows and rapidly shakes his head in a gesture that communicates his true response of shock and confusion.  “I guess it was kind of strange, but you know…it felt really good.  It kind of felt familiar, too…like visiting a place where I used live or something.  You know?  But at the same time…” he looks down and shakes his head, “it was just kind of…unexpected.”

“What happened?  Can you describe –”

Before she can finish, John walks up and puts an arm around each of them and says, “Well that was quite a first experience, Daniel!”

Susan smiles big at John, “Did something happen, John?  What’s going on?”

“Danny just met his guide.”  John gives Daniel a tender look.

What?!!!  This is impossible!  He couldn’t possibly be talking about the guy with the hands!  This can’t be happening!  I’m seeing gurus and this guy is reading my mind!

“Oh, you should have seen this guy, Susan.  He was like a king.  He was dressed in these beautiful silk clothes and he had this turban with a gigantic gemstone right in front.  Like an Indian Raja.”

“Wow.  Did you see this Daniel, or is John just telling stories?”  asks Susan, excitement beaming from her face.

“Well, I couldn’t really see him, but…” he turns to John, “how do you know about this?  Can you read minds or something?”

“No…no.”  John takes a moment to put his words together.  “It’s more like I can read your emotions.  It’s no big deal.  You’ll be able to do it if you work at it.  Stuff just kind of floats over to me sometimes and I can put it together, it doesn’t mean I’m reading your mind.”

Daniel is even more confused.

On the way back to the Bradford house, Daniel can’t stop thinking about his meditation experience.  He reviews all the steps of the exercises that Susan had led the group through.  He wants badly to be able to return to wherever it was that he went.  The relaxation and gentle buzzing still lingers in his body.  He wants to float and to be free again.  But most of all, he wants to hold the hands again.  He can still feel their warmth and energy.  And hadn’t he felt something else in those hands?  Hadn’t he felt something that filled and transcended the entire experience?  Something he was thirsty for and desperate to get more of.  He cannot fully articulate it, but he felt love from these mysterious hands.  He felt a deep abiding love.  It didn’t exactly flow from the hands like the Energy did so much as it came from the embrace itself.  He felt the love in the embrace.

He takes a moment to look at his own hands.  Daniel is astonished to find that his hands are perfectly smooth.  His skin, rather than being cracked and dry, is now smooth and pure.  In fact, except for their adult size, Daniel’s hands might be mistaken for the hands of a child.  This is new skin. Daniel quickly turns into a strip mall parking lot to examine them more thoroughly.

What the fuck!? He turns on the cabin light and turns them front and back touching and rubbing and closely observing his new skin.  This cannot be happening!

When Daniel reaches the house, he has a sudden urge to connect with his family.  He checks his watch to see if it is too late to call.  8:20…good enough.

“Hey,” comes Ashley’s voice over the line.  She sounds tired, but glad to hear her husband’s voice.

“Hey.  I just wanted to tell you that I love you.”

“Mmmm…” she sighs, “I love you, too.  Are you doing ok?  You sound kind of weird,” asks Ashley.

“Yeah, I’m just a little freaked out.  I went to meditation class tonight and some pretty weird shit happened.”

“Oh?” prompts Ashley with a hint of a giggle as she enjoys Daniel’s newfound ease with language.

“I’m not sure I’m ready to talk about it, yet, though.  I just want you to know how special you are to me, and apparently to everyone at meditation.”

“Thanks.  I think you’re pretty special, too.”

Daniel’s eyes tear up a bit at this.  “Really?”

“Yes, Lucky, I do, but not in the wears-a-helmet-and-rides-the-short-bus-to-school kind of way,” teases Daniel’s wife.

“Gee, thanks!”

They laugh together.  Daniel is beginning to feel what he is missing.  He feels their connection and at the same time feels their separation.

“Hey, are the kids up?”

“Yes.  Would you like to speak to them?”

“Yes. Please.”

Daniel can hear Ashley calling Laura.  He hears Laura’s little voice begin chanting the Daddy Rumba.  “Daddy Daddy Da- DDY!  Daddy Daddy Da-DDY!”

“Hi, Daddy!”

“Hi, sweetheart!  How are you doing?”  Daniel doesn’t know quite what to say, but he knows that he wants her to know how much he loves her.

“I’m fine, Daddy.  Guess what!”

“What?”

“Guess what tomorrow is!”

“Gee, honey, you tell me.”

“I’ll give you a hint.  OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” she wails. “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

“Christmas?” teases Daniel.

“No, daddy! HALLOWEEN!”  She begins another rumba.  “I’m goin’ to be a wi-ITCH! I’m goin’ to be a wi-ITCH!  Our class is having a par-TY!  Our class is having a par-TY!

“I can’t wait to see you tomorrow, honey!  Halloween is one of daddy’s favorite days!”

And it certainly is.  Until this year, Daniel has celebrated Halloween with a religious fervor.  His preparations for October thirty-first have become so ritualistic, rigid, and obsessively plotted as he is annually gripped by his Halloween mania.  His goal?  A genuine fright.

He must watch John Carpenter’s “Halloween” 1 and 2 (back-to-back if possible).  He must watch Stephen King’s “Carrie”.  He must drive through a cemetery on a cloudy day.  A cloudy day is the closest he will get to going to a cemetery in the dark because he would never enter a cemetery illegally after hours.  He must go to one of the many haunted entertainment opportunities nearby (haunted houses, haunted forests, haunted warehouses, haunted zoos).  He has to read about the Pagan origins of Halloween.

Fear has never been on Daniel’s unacceptable emotions list.  He enjoys the rush of adrenaline that comes with it, the heightened senses, and the limitless possibilities that the mind will consider when under its influence; that is, as long as there is no real danger.  He loves roller coasters, scary movies, and Halloween haunted houses.  He never tires of the inevitable, yet endlessly effective thrill of a chainsaw roaring to life while he fumbles frantically through the dimly lit passageway of an otherwise mundane warehouse transformed under the sponsorship of K-Hits 99.5 FM into The Haunted Warehouse every October.  But by far the most dependable and powerful source for the most spine tingly, can’t-sleep-at-night, bring-tears-to-your-eyes experience is that most ancient of spooks:  Ghosts.              Every October, Daniel looks to books, the Internet, movies, TV, and friends for stories or images that will deliver the most heart-pounding, breath-holding ghostly frights.

“Why you like ghosts so much?” asks Khan every October.  “If you lived in my country you wouldn’t want to see one so bad.  Everybody afraid.  There are ghosts all over the place.  You will never see anyone wanting to go to a graveyard. Man!  It’s bad enough we gotta look out for these mangy dogs all the time trying to bite little kids’ arms off!”

Why Carpenter’s “Halloween”? King’s “Carrie”? Hauntings? Ghosts?  Daniel cannot care less about vampires, swamp monsters, or werewolves.  None of these things seem likely to him.  But a psychopathic serial killer?  A telekinetic high school reject having her final revenge?  Paranormal disturbances?  Earth-bound souls?  All of these things seem possible to Daniel.  Daniel prefers a little ounce of reality in his fright.

The truth is, Daniel has never experienced more than a little ounce of reality in his frights.  He’s never been in a serious car accident.  He’s never been mugged.  He’s never faced a life-threatening illness himself or in his immediate family.  He’s never been in a fistfight.  The only event in his life that he was aware of, for we all have faced dangers unseen, that should have been a true fright was being run over by Uncle Ray’s tractor, but he was spared the fear of that experience.  The fear that Daniel seeks is artificial, carefully constructed in his Halloween laboratory.

Daniel has spent the last month facing real fears thanks to Dr. Collins and Ashley Roberts.  Fear of emotion, fear of intimacy, fear of losing Ashley, fear of sex.  He has no interest in his usual Halloween fear rituals this year.  The only recognition of the holiday he will engage in is treak-or-treating; in his opinion, the most benign ritual of them all.  He enjoys it, but it contains no possibility of a fright for him.

“Daddy? Are you coming home soon?  I want you to feel better, but…”  She stops in mid sentence.

“What, honey.  What were you going to say?” coaxes Daniel.

“I don’t know.  It’s kind of selfish.”  Laura’s tone is quiet and shy.

“Honey, it’s okay.  You can say whatever you want to Daddy.”

“I want you to come home.  I love Mommy, but it’s not the same. I really miss you, Daddy.”

“I’m not sure, Laura, but I don’t think it will be too long.  I think I’m on the right road now.”

“The Yellow Brick Road?” Laura can hardly contain her pleasure at coming up with this idea.

Daniel chuckles.  “Right, honey.  The Yellow Brick Road.”

“I think mommy wants to talk to you now.  Bye.”

Before Daniel can say “Bye” or “I love you” she is already gone.  He can hear her distant voice saying “Here, Mommy,” and the jostling of the phone out of her little hands and into Ashley’s.

“Ok, I’m back,” comes Ashley’s voice tinged with sadness.

“Ok, can I talk to Jake now?”

“Daniel, Jake doesn’t want to talk to you right now.”

Daniel is hurt, but he doesn’t blame Jake for not wanting to talk to him, yet.  He has suffered ten years of Daniel’s lack of interest or even acknowledgement.  Daniel is beginning to see that he has a lot of ground to cover before he can bridge the gap between the two of them.  Where do I even begin with this guy?

“Ashley?  Will you do me a favor, then?”

“What is it, Lucky?” says Ashley with tenderness.

“Will you go into his room, shut off his game, look into that kid’s face and tell him that his Dad loves him and he’s gonna do everything it takes to win him over!”

“It’s not just a matter of winning him over, Daniel.  He needs you for the long haul.  This is going to take a long-term commitment from you.  Do you understand that?  And this has to come from you.  You have to tell him that you love him yourself, honey.”

Daniel is breathing hard now that his passion is ignited. He is silent for a moment.  He knows that Ashley is right.

“Just tell him I’ll miss him tomorrow night when we trick-or-treat.”

“Ok. I will.” She pauses to take a breath, too.  “Daniel, I’m so glad you went to meditation.  I’d be happy to hear about it if it’s something you feel you need to talk about.  I’m also really glad that you called. And…”  she hesitates, “I miss you.”

“I miss you too, Ash.  I’m going to make it.  I’m going make it home and things are going to be different.”

“I know, Lucky.”

“Well, I think I’m going to go and try this meditation thing on my own while it’s still fresh on my mind, ” says Daniel, wrapping it up.

“Sounds like a good idea, Lucky.  Listen, I don’t know what happened to you tonight with John and Susan, but just remember, it’s all just about being still…being one.”

“Thanks, Ash.  I’ll try and remember that.  I’ll see you tomorrow night, ok?”

“Ok. I know this is hard, Daniel, but I do love you and I do want to be with you.”

Something in her voice helps Daniel to accept this fact more fully than he has ever been able to.  She loves him.  She wants to be with him.  He believes her.

“I love you, too. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Daniel sits with the phone in his hand for a moment, his many thoughts swirling around inside his changing mind.

But rather than the thoughts swirling him into a state of worry, anxiety, and compulsion, they settle.  It’s as if they are seeds blown by the wind that never find fertile ground to grow and take root.  For the moment, his mind is clear.  Only one thought remains: meditate.

Ever since Daniel returned from meditation class he has been very eager to attempt a return trip to the place or state of mind that he was in when he had his encounter.

He makes his way through the living room, down the hall and into the room with all the pillows, the meditation chairs, the bell, and the candle.  The room makes more sense to him as he lights the giant star-shaped candle.  He imagines the results of using the bell.  He pictures his mind fixing on the bell tone and how it will surely get smaller as the tone decays slowly out of hearing.  He wants to return once more to a state of calm stillness where his thoughts cease and his body falls away.  He strikes the bell and takes a seat in one of the legless, armless chairs.  As he crosses his legs and places his hands palms down, index finger and thumb making an O.K. sign he sets his attention on the bell as it slowly fades.  Never has he been able to concentrate so steadily.  He doesn’t know it, but he has been spared the initial struggle of silencing the stream of chatter that plagues most novices.   He effortlessly summons Susan’s voice to guide him again.

He starts with the breath.  He finds that his body returns immediately to a state of relaxation.  It is as if his muscles remember what to do as he breathes slowly and deeply.  He ‘runs the Energy’ three times: Cleansing, Healing, Peace.  He ‘listens in’ three times, each time listening deeper, each time becoming more a part of the light.  He meditates.  Thoughtless.  Motionless.  He surrenders one more time. Surrender. Anything to get back.

(breathe in) One (breathe out) with the Light. One…with the Light.  One…with the Light.

As he continues to breathe he waits for something.  Daniel’s world is forever changed.  After what he has experienced, everything he thought was real and everything he thought was make-believe is now up for reevaluation.  He is waiting for guidance.  He knows now that he might just receive it.  He is prepared to go the distance tonight.  After all, what does he need to get his sleep for?  The bench?

He increases his dedication to the mantra  One…with the Light imagining a dial like a volume dial on a stereo and cranks it up to the max.  He begins to feel intense pressure and vibration at the top of his head.  He can hear it buzzing and ringing in his ears.  His entire body becomes bathed in sensations of warmth, vibration, weightlessness, and pleasure.  Then he can feel himself being drawn up the Stream just like before.  He reaches up in his mind as he slowly ascends, feeling lighter than air until he reaches some sort of destination.   Yes! He recognizes this place.  He is surrounded by a subtle golden light.  He draws his attention back to his breath, careful not to become distracted by his new environment remembering his wife’s gentle reminder, “Remember, Daniel, it’s all about being still, becoming one.”

Only one thing is missing.

Guide me. Guide me. Guide me he begins to chant, reaching out with all of his mental strength hoping to feel the hands once again.

Nothing

He continues for just a little while longer until he begins to feel strain.

Just be still he remembers.

He releases a breath and lets it settle into a natural rhythm.  And the stillness begins.  He is not thinking about it, but all the energy he was using to reach up and reach out has taken the form of something like a luminous bed or cocoon for him.  He holds the thought of stillness until the stillness itself seems to hold him.

Still.

If a stray thought wanders into his mind he simply lets it wander right back out.  For this brief time, he has become an observer of his own mind, sitting on a park bench of pure consciousness.  The world goes on around him as he sits in peaceful, stillness.

As a child, Daniel lived across the street from the town park.  It was laid out on a single city block near the center of town.  In fact it was on Center Street.  It had an old merry-go-round, jungle gym, swings, and a slide that contrasted with the new tennis court, cedar wood big toy with sand, and two new pavilions that were still under construction.  But what Daniel, was most interested in were the trees.  His town was known for having some of the oldest oak and cedar trees in the state.  The oak trees were pretty to look at, but the cedar trees had a much more inviting quality for Daniel.  They tended to have lower lying branches that made them easier for a child to climb.

There was one tree in particular that Daniel was fond of.  The tallest one in the park, it stood by the merry-go-round just ten yards from the street.  It had a knot on the trunk about three feet from the ground under a branch that Daniel could just barely reach.  He would jump up and grab it with his right hand which enabled him to gain footing on the knot with his right foot.  From there he could grab a higher branch with his free hand and anchor his free foot on the side of a much larger branch.  Letting go of the lower branch, he could pull himself up just enough to grab on with both hands and pull himself up.  From here he could climb as high as his nerve would allow.

Daniel was not a fearless tree climber; he had a healthy respect for the dangers of a tree.  He always tested out branches for stability and never ventured too far out on the limbs.  He had a keen sense of what a branch could support and nearly always gave it far less.  He performed little or no acrobatics, nor did he pretend to be a tree-dwelling animal such as a monkey or a squirrel.  And although he did indulge an occasional fantasy of being Tarzan, he did not really climb trees to play.  He had something else in mind.

There were many things about climbing the cedar that Daniel liked.  He felt proud that he, such a small creature, could navigate such a large creature.  He enjoyed the feeling of invisibility he got when adults walked under or near the tree without noticing him.  Kids always noticed him, but few joined him.  On the rare occasion that an adult, especially his mother, did notice him, he relished the gasps of surprise, shock, or fright that he might receive for being such a young child in such a high place.  These he received as precious gifts.  But none of this kept him climbing the tree day after day.  Daniel had a far deeper purpose to fulfill.

Daniel, as a child, was an appreciator of beauty.  He would climb high, find a favorite branch, and perch.  He might stand, or he might straddle it, or he might just sit across it letting his bare feet dangle in the breeze.  Then he would get really still a take whatever the tree had to offer him.  To him, it was like a whole other world.  He took time to breathe in the strong cedar fragrance.  He enjoyed the unique perspective on the wind that only a tree can provide.  If he stayed still long enough, he might get a visit from a bird on a nearby branch, a robin or a blue jay or maybe even a goldfinch.  When he was in the tree, he was no longer a ground-dwelling stranger to birds, he was more akin.  He was a fellow tree-dweller, more like a peer.  Daniel had a vague notion that this tree had become his friend.  He liked to imagine it’s life.  How is must have been a sapling long before the park even existed. How it must have known many children. Some would be men and women right here in town, some would be dead.  Had it ever been hurt?  What did it think about this town growing around it?  To Daniel, these visits of stillness and friendship lasted hours and went on for years.  To an observing adult, they might have lasted fifteen minutes and went on for two summers.  To the tree, just a flicker, no different than any brief visit from a tree-dweller, except that this one didn’t have wings.

But like all nice days in the park tree, there comes a time to climb down and join the ground-dwellers again.  Daniel senses that it is time.  He recalls Susan’s instructions to come back down the stream and anchor his consciousness right behind his eyes.  And so he begins his slow descent, but just as he begins to cross the bridge between his inner world and the outer world in that place where dreams and the sounds of morning become entangled, Daniel gets his Halloween fright, unexpected and uninvited.

A pair of eyes thrust themselves into the lower periphery of Daniel’s inner vision.  They are dark and exotic.  To Daniel they are wild, fierce, young, beautiful and intense. He cannot make out the face, just the eyes.  They are looking right into his eyes.  Then he realizes that he is paralyzed.  An unexpected rush of fear explodes somewhere in the base of his spine, and begins flooding his body, out to the end of his limbs, and out through the top of his head.  This is the fear of childhood nightmares when monsters approach and you cannot run, cannot scream, cannot move.  Painful adrenaline drives through his veins as fear consumes every fiber of his being.  All the places that were light are now dark.  He is rising back up the Stream, on top of a growing mountain of fear.  The surge of power pushing him upward is unlike anything he has ever experienced.  Then the eyes are gone. Daniel descends once again.  Tears begin to well up in his eyes which are now wide open and scanning the room.   The power still throbs in and around him as his heart pounds and his breath races.  What have you gotten yourself into, Danny boy?  What the fuck was that thing?

As soon as movement returns to his body, Daniel blows out the candle and retreats to the living room.  He pours himself a scotch, skipping the soda and his customary twist, and kicks it back quick to douse the fire that is burning up his jolted nervous system.